Washington State Native

Seattle Times columnist (the late) Emmett Watson once proposed "Lesser Seattle," to combat the wild growth of our wonderful Puget Sound region.  Alas, it failed to take root and what was known as western Washington has been invaded by emigrants from California, disrupting property values and distorting personal values.  (This is sometimes called "Californication.")  While the exact line of infestation from the forces of California is vague, it is taken to be somewhere south of Centralia, not including Hamilton Farms, but including the Capitol Dome in Olympia and certain neighborhoods east of Seattle.

Meanwhile, residents east of the mountain passes (Snoqualmie, Stevens, White, etc.) followed their dry-side, flatland ways and drifted east (both physically and metaphysically) to Idaho.  That's right - anything east of the mountain passes is Idaho!

The revised map of Washington is shown:

For those of us left in Washington, our only hope is rain and lots of it.
Every day it rains, 500 Californians pack up and move back home where they belong. :-)

Hmmmm. . . 
The 1996 floods in Washington may force me to rephrase that last statement.

It's now 2001...  LA is getting our rain and we're getting their earthquakes.

Some have expressed displeasure with this point of view. Come' on - lighten up. :-)
Some differences between Californians & Washingtonians are...

Most Popular Cookbook:
-- CA, Wild About Tofu.
-- WA, The Back of the Box Cookbook.

Most Common Question When Choosing a Career:
-- CA, Hardware or Software?
-- WA, Gas or Diesel?

Average Marital Status:
-- CA, Divorced, but would like to be divorced again someday.
-- WA, Married to high school sweetheart; she'll graduate this June.

What Californians think of Washingtonians: "What Washingtonians?"
What Washingtonians think of Californians: "Well worth the cost of the extra tag."

Largest Single Expense:
-- CA, House payment.
-- WA, Property tax payment.

Most Prized Piece of Jewelry:
-- CA, Pyramid power crystal.
-- WA, Sunday best belt buckle.

Young Children's Favorite Leisure Activity:
-- CA, Watching and learning to Barney's Step-Aerobics video.
-- WA, Shooting at road signs with the family BB gun.

Feelings Towards Bloody, Grade-B Paramilitary Survivalist Movies:
-- CA, Dislike them.
-- WA, Seek them out.

Feelings Towards Tree-Hugging Environmentalists:
-- CA, They're wonderful; we should have some more.
-- WA, They're delicious; we should have some more.

Most Popular Auto Accessory:
-- CA, Carpool dummy with built-in radar detector and cup holder.
-- WA, Gun rack.

Most Annoying Personal Habit:
-- CA, Being Californian.
-- WA, Moving lips while watching TV.

Feelings Towards Clinton's Economic Policies:
-- CA, This can't go on much longer.
-- WA, This can't go on much longer.

You know you're from the Pacific Northwest if you:

• Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash
• Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best Coffee, and Tully's
• Know more than 10 ways to order coffee
• You've ordered a half caf/decaf, non-fat mocha Grande with raspberry whip (or know what it is)
• You know the exact location of fifteen drive-thru espresso stands in your neighborhood
• Know more people that own boats than air conditioners
• Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant
• Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal
• Are amazed by accurate weather forecasts
• Use the expression: "sun break" and know what it means
• Are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain"
  and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers"
• Can't wait for a day with "Showers and sun breaks"
• Have no concept of humidity without precipitation
• You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists
• If someone ran your car off the freeway, you might drown
• Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain
• Complain about Californians, as you sell your house for twice its value to one
• Know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon
• Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah & Oregon and geoduck
• Consider swimming an indoor sport
• Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food
• In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark, while only working 8 hour days
• Obey all traffic laws except "Keep right except to pass"
• Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho
• Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind
• Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see through the cloud cover
• Say "the mountain is out" when it's a pretty day and you can actually see it
• Feel like you've grown up with Bill Gates and can't quite figure out why people can be so mean to him
• Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka
• Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on
• Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain
• Knew immediately that the view out Frasier's window was fake
• Half your friends work at Microsoft or Boeing
• You understand what people mean when they say pop
• You consider a floating bridge a pain in the butt, not an Engineering marvel
• You know what lutefisk is
• You personally know someone from Alaska
• You find a wallet (in a good neighborhood) with $500 and give it back to the owner
• You used to live somewhere else but won't admit it publicly
• The bride & groom registered at REI
• You'd be miffed if the store were out of your favorite brand of water
• Fifteen blocks away is a good parking spot

A newcomer to the Northwest arrives on a rainy day.  She gets up the next day and it's raining.  It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.

She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"

The kid says, "How should I know?  I'm only 6."

Why God Created "Eastern Washington"

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.   Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.  He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, " replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.  Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Western Washington", the most glorious place on Earth.  There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite grasslands.  The people from Western Washington are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world.  They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.  They will be admired by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?  You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouth, whiny, arrogant people I'm putting next to them on the east side of Washington.

Continuing to bash "Eastern Washington"...
You know you're from Eastern Washington if... 

• You've never met a celebrity
• Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway
• "Vacation" means going to Boise
• You haven't seen the biggest Country & Western bands until ten years after they were popular
• You measure distance in minutes
• You know several people who have hit a deer
• Your school classes were canceled because of cold
• Your school classes were canceled because of heat
• You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way
• You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day
• You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better"
• You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July
• Stores don't have bags; they have sacks
• You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year
• You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. example: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to town I wanna go with."
• You know how to pronounce the name of the State
• All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal
• You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked
• You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows
• You carry jumper cables in your car
• You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is
• You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup
• You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
• Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow
• You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent
• The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for cattle prices and sports
• You think that opening day of deer season is a national holiday
• You know which leaves make good toilet paper
• You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly"
• You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction

Updated: 04 Sep 2001 15:35L